A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
