vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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