dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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