I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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