So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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