Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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