I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
