I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
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