when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
