tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
