proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
