I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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