I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
