So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he fucked my hip out of place.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
