he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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