Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She bit a glass in half.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
