Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
