people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
