I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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