Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
