Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
