I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
