this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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