I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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