dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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