A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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