I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
