I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just google imaged poop.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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