i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
