remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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