i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
