You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
