So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize