My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
