Define "chronic" masturbator.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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