I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
