my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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