hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
