I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
