I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He? As in you personified your dick?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
