my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
