Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
