Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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