the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
