Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
