I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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