This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
