fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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