I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
