I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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