i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just gargled with NyQuil
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
