And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
