i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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