Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
