The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
