I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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