your parents love me but you hate me
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
