..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
